I Don't Know What I'm Saying, But I Mean It

I got schooled on some really inspiring music yesterday and I can't stop listening. If you've never heard of George Watsky, as I hadn't prior to yesterday, you should go check him out. I've been playing "Wounded Healer" more or less on repeat since. It speaks to me, what can I say?

I want 2013 to be a big year for me, guys. I really do. And I think that it's entirely achievable if I embrace it. If I fight for it. And fight hard. Most days I don't think I could possibly do any more, but no one ever got anywhere without sacrifice. And I'm hoping that when the time comes, I can step up. I need to. I have to. 

That all being said, I've been supes depressed lately. I'm certain that the excessively gloomy weather has been a contributing factor, but I also can't seem to shake this sense of oppressive anxiety and overwhelming loneliness. 

I spent nearly two years away from dating, and in many ways, I wish I could just go back to that time. I was at a point where I was lonely, but at least I could handle being by myself. I accepted my own company and it was manageable. I didn't have anything, so there wasn't anything to miss, really. Because, here is my problem: I wrap myself up in guys. I let my head get all screwy and clouded and then I don't know what I'm doing. I get overly attached, and because I crave the attention, I go out of my way to get it. And I do this by way of going above and beyond any "normal" standard of kindness. I am kind to a fault. I'm constantly being exceptionally too nice and it's really just a reverse tantrum of sorts. No, I'm not screaming and crying and pounding my fists on the floor, but basically everything I'm doing is so that attention will be paid me. And while I truly, whole-heartedly, 100%, without-a-doubt, LOVE to do things to make others happy, it's nearly always a waste because it is a rare quality indeed to find a man who wants to reciprocate that kind of genuine thoughtfulness and affection. I give too much, and don't get enough in return. Or, even worse, get metaphorically bitch-slapped for all the ways in which I'm still not good enough. 

I don't know how to be someone who makes me happy. I don't know how to find someone who would make me happy. Alls I know is that I'm not happy now and I'd like to change it. 

I'm definitely going to start this by nurturing my current relationships. Really sit down, establish who the important people are, and try to cut out the riff-raff. I need those strong pillars in my world to keep me up when I feel like crumbling. I say that I want attention, but I immediately turn around and don't pay enough to those who truly deserve my affections. It's not fair, and I think that if I focus on making important people more of a priority, I'll be happier. 

Loneliness is just a word and people are just people. I'm going to stop letting either of them get the better of me.