I Don't Know What I'm Saying, But I Mean It

I got schooled on some really inspiring music yesterday and I can't stop listening. If you've never heard of George Watsky, as I hadn't prior to yesterday, you should go check him out. I've been playing "Wounded Healer" more or less on repeat since. It speaks to me, what can I say?

I want 2013 to be a big year for me, guys. I really do. And I think that it's entirely achievable if I embrace it. If I fight for it. And fight hard. Most days I don't think I could possibly do any more, but no one ever got anywhere without sacrifice. And I'm hoping that when the time comes, I can step up. I need to. I have to. 

That all being said, I've been supes depressed lately. I'm certain that the excessively gloomy weather has been a contributing factor, but I also can't seem to shake this sense of oppressive anxiety and overwhelming loneliness. 

I spent nearly two years away from dating, and in many ways, I wish I could just go back to that time. I was at a point where I was lonely, but at least I could handle being by myself. I accepted my own company and it was manageable. I didn't have anything, so there wasn't anything to miss, really. Because, here is my problem: I wrap myself up in guys. I let my head get all screwy and clouded and then I don't know what I'm doing. I get overly attached, and because I crave the attention, I go out of my way to get it. And I do this by way of going above and beyond any "normal" standard of kindness. I am kind to a fault. I'm constantly being exceptionally too nice and it's really just a reverse tantrum of sorts. No, I'm not screaming and crying and pounding my fists on the floor, but basically everything I'm doing is so that attention will be paid me. And while I truly, whole-heartedly, 100%, without-a-doubt, LOVE to do things to make others happy, it's nearly always a waste because it is a rare quality indeed to find a man who wants to reciprocate that kind of genuine thoughtfulness and affection. I give too much, and don't get enough in return. Or, even worse, get metaphorically bitch-slapped for all the ways in which I'm still not good enough. 

I don't know how to be someone who makes me happy. I don't know how to find someone who would make me happy. Alls I know is that I'm not happy now and I'd like to change it. 

I'm definitely going to start this by nurturing my current relationships. Really sit down, establish who the important people are, and try to cut out the riff-raff. I need those strong pillars in my world to keep me up when I feel like crumbling. I say that I want attention, but I immediately turn around and don't pay enough to those who truly deserve my affections. It's not fair, and I think that if I focus on making important people more of a priority, I'll be happier. 

Loneliness is just a word and people are just people. I'm going to stop letting either of them get the better of me. 

Surviving the Apocalypse

So, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm feeling pretty outstanding for surviving 12/21/12. If nothing else, I can put that one down in the win column for me. Although, I put so many things off prior to that infamous date that I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed these days. I mean, seriously, why would I work on that HUGE pile of laundry if the world was just going to end? Take out the trash? Do the dishes? Maintain basic hygiene?  Pffft, whatevz. But, just as Joshua so accurately and gracefully predicted, "Girl, you're gonna have a shit-ton of stuff to do on the 22nd." And I did. And still do. Playing catch-up has been less than enjoyable, but I'll get there. I'll get there.

I realized recently that I never actually posted about some delightful carrot cake cupcakes that Elvis and I made recently. I also realized that I never posted this:

That pictures makes me laugh so much. Elvis was showing me around Marietta Square one night: "Here's this and this and this. Oh, and here I am." Love it.

Oh, right. That whole Christmas thing happened recently, too, huh? Life has been a whirlwind and it feels like that was so long ago already. Here's a cutie-pa-tootie picture of my brother and I. 

And here is a picture of me in my Christmas Story hoodie that I found while I was at my parents' house for the holidays. Do I look like a deranged Easter Bunny? A pink nightmare?  Perfect.

Alright, alright. On to the good stuff. FOOD.

I really wanted to be able to post a recipe for this, but I did a pretty piss-poor job of taking notes about exactly what went into these scrumptious sweets. So, maybe next time I'll remember to be more diligent (as these will certainly be re-made and perfected). They were supes yummmmmm.

I made this poor kid grate baby carrots. It was all I had! Thank God he's such a good sport. We made sure to count afterwards, and yep, all ten fingers remained intact. Whew!

It was pretty obvious when he was over it. Cause things like this started happening:

With the approving stare of our newly created grater totem, we moved on to prep the top secret ingredient for these cupcakes.

Fresh pineapple! Chopped up reeeeeeal fine. So much better than that canned jank.

Lined a few muffin tins with some fancy-fied cupcake liners, baked those fuckers up real nice and golden-brown like, thew some maple-syrup cream cheese frosting on 'em and devoured. So delish. They needed a lil' help in the texture department (not enough flour in the cupcake to make it dense enough to support the frosting), but they were sooooo close to being the perfect carrot cake cupcake. 

I suppose that's all I have for this post. I've got a lot more to share -- Hey! Did I mention that I broke up with Elvis? -- but, that'll have to wait for another day. I hope everyone has a magical New Year's Eve. I sobbed uncontrollably before midnight and slept alone in my empty condo last year. I figure this NYE can't possibly be any worse than that, so, here's to hoping. Cheers! ♥

Glad That's Finally Over

I wouldn't describe myself as a political person. To be honest, it all gives me a giant headache and I usually end up having to go lie down after giving it any amount of thought. I try to pay attention, I really do! But it's too complicated, and too beyond me. Also, remember how I have that problem where I can see both sides to almost any argument? Yeah, that gets in the way a lot, too. I don't always agree with both sides, but I can always understand why someone else would feel the way they do about any issue. I actually wish more politicians were cursed with this ability.

During a recent discussion with one of my closest and dearest friends, Joshua, he broke down how he felt about this year's Presidential election, and his thoughts pretty well summed up the entire affair to perfection:

"When I watch the Presidential debates, I feel like they are just talking about Legos. One guy says, 'The yellow Lego needs to go on top of the blue Lego, and parallel to the green Lego.' And the other guy goes, 'No, no, no, you idiot! The yellow Lego needs to go perpendicular to the green Lego, and the blue Lego needs to go on top of it.' They're all just talking about Legos and none of it fucking matters."

As crazy as it sounds, his explanation made more sense to me than most anything else running on the news these days. It does always seem like they're just talking in circles about nothing at all, doesn't it? Always trying to twist and warp their words so that they don't have to make any kind of genuine commitments. It's such a silly dance. 

With all that all being said, as maddening as the whole thing has been, and even as ignorant as I am about the world of politics, I've got to say that I'm glad Obama won. I was nervous that we might have new President today, but my country did me proud. Forward. Only forward.

Follow thy desire, and thy good.

Lately, I've been feeling completely overwhelmed and uncomfortably out of control. I struggle on a daily basis with fear. Fear of where this hedonistic lifestyle that I seem to be living is going to take me. As with anything, I can always find arguments on either side of the equation. 

On one hand, maybe I deserve to throw my cares to the wind. Maybe it's time for me to be selfish. Maybe this is a common life and a common struggle and a common concern at this age. I don't think that I discount others in any kind of way, but I definitely feel like I've been putting myself first for a while now, and it feels completely unnatural to me. What am I doing?

On the other hand, maybe I need to get back to my roots. Start evaluating the truly important things and re-learn to look outside of myself. Focus on putting my life back together in a real kind of way. Start building towards something. Anything. What am I doing?

It has undoubtedly been something that has weighed heavily on my heart and mind lately. Oh, and speaking of things that have been weighing on my head and heart, this is Elvis (see what I did there?).

He's a total stud muffin, ain't he? Just a lil' secret between you and me, I'm kinda wrapped up in this kid. I'm desperately trying not to be, but I can't seem to help myself! My vision is all blurry with stupid rainbows and sunshine and free candy and unicorns and shit. I literally have to stop myself from skipping everywhere. Intellectually, I know that feeling this entangled is ridiculous, but that sappy, gushy, ooey-gooey girl inside of me can't help herself! I keep reminding her that all good things in life come to an end. And that this is probably just silly, puppy love. But, I just don't know. Those big, brown eyes. The kisses. The words. The touch. 

I just melt.

Money vs. Dreams

Here is an intriguing collection of words upon which to reflect.

Synchronized Arrival

Ready for a quicky update? Okay. Here goes.

Once upon an October evening, this happened:

Two of my co-workers play in Secret Shakes and they are rad-sauce. You should check them out. This show was the shiz.

Afterwards, some of the crazies that I was with decided that a nearby tree was over-due for a good climbin'.

This picture was taken literally a minute before Ryan snapped off that poor tree limb. Luckily he didn't bust his ass, but it was a close call. 

Last weekend, I went to Savannah to visit these stunning beauties:

Jazz, Kelli, and Sarah. My loves. Aren't they foxes? Sadly our time together was a bit over-shadowed by boy troubles (and boys are always trouble, aren't they?). Long story short: Jazz and Kelli were dating some giant cuntwads who couldn't keep it in their pants. Can you please explain to me how we live in a world where a dude, any dude, would cheat on either of those stunners? These women are 12s out of 10, ya know? I really don't get it. 

So, seeing my besties hurting was a gut-punch--especially when I'm so helpless to stop the male population from whipping their dicks out at every passable specimen that walks by--but I was happy to bask in their company, and tried my damnedest to remind them just how exquisite they all truly are.

My ritualistic visit to Zunzi's for a Fisherman's Deck and plenty of take-home sauce, some much-needed retail therapy, and a lazy day at the park with some thought-provoking questions, and I was headed back home. It was a whirl-wind of a trip.

And that brings us up to current times, I suppose. I've had a lot of creative energy lately, and I'm excited for you to see what I've been working on. There is just something about graphic design and typography and hand-written type that has really taken a hold of me lately and I'm not entirely sure why. It didn't help that my friend, Sara, asked me to create some chalkboards for her sister's wedding this weekend:

Sara loved being Matron of Awesome. And I loved working on these boards. 

Oh, did I mention that Elvis and I are officially "dating" now? Yeah, we'll leave that juicy post for next week. Same bat time, same bat place. 

Your Saturday Dose of Art: Kyle Thompson

I've been majorly slacking on my Saturday dose of art posts. Straight. Up. RUDE.

So, let's jump back into some beauty, shall we? Let me gush over Kyle Thompson for a minute. Or hours. Or days. Months? Okay. I could talk about him endlessly.

I can't stop! This Chicago-based photographer has captured my heart and there's not going back. His most notable works are these self-portraits, and they make my heart fill up so wholly with happiness that I could puke.

Yes, Pon. Exactly. You have accurately described my love for KT's imagery. He has a near perfect mix of concept and technical ability, dark and light, raw emotion and thought. Sometimes I wish I could come up with a word stronger than beautiful. I need to create one. Even though it's not mine, all I've got right now is scrumtrulescent. 

Yeah. That feels right.