Follow thy desire, and thy good.

Lately, I've been feeling completely overwhelmed and uncomfortably out of control. I struggle on a daily basis with fear. Fear of where this hedonistic lifestyle that I seem to be living is going to take me. As with anything, I can always find arguments on either side of the equation. 

On one hand, maybe I deserve to throw my cares to the wind. Maybe it's time for me to be selfish. Maybe this is a common life and a common struggle and a common concern at this age. I don't think that I discount others in any kind of way, but I definitely feel like I've been putting myself first for a while now, and it feels completely unnatural to me. What am I doing?

On the other hand, maybe I need to get back to my roots. Start evaluating the truly important things and re-learn to look outside of myself. Focus on putting my life back together in a real kind of way. Start building towards something. Anything. What am I doing?

It has undoubtedly been something that has weighed heavily on my heart and mind lately. Oh, and speaking of things that have been weighing on my head and heart, this is Elvis (see what I did there?).

He's a total stud muffin, ain't he? Just a lil' secret between you and me, I'm kinda wrapped up in this kid. I'm desperately trying not to be, but I can't seem to help myself! My vision is all blurry with stupid rainbows and sunshine and free candy and unicorns and shit. I literally have to stop myself from skipping everywhere. Intellectually, I know that feeling this entangled is ridiculous, but that sappy, gushy, ooey-gooey girl inside of me can't help herself! I keep reminding her that all good things in life come to an end. And that this is probably just silly, puppy love. But, I just don't know. Those big, brown eyes. The kisses. The words. The touch. 

I just melt.

Money vs. Dreams

Here is an intriguing collection of words upon which to reflect.

Synchronized Arrival

Ready for a quicky update? Okay. Here goes.

Once upon an October evening, this happened:

Two of my co-workers play in Secret Shakes and they are rad-sauce. You should check them out. This show was the shiz.

Afterwards, some of the crazies that I was with decided that a nearby tree was over-due for a good climbin'.

This picture was taken literally a minute before Ryan snapped off that poor tree limb. Luckily he didn't bust his ass, but it was a close call. 

Last weekend, I went to Savannah to visit these stunning beauties:

Jazz, Kelli, and Sarah. My loves. Aren't they foxes? Sadly our time together was a bit over-shadowed by boy troubles (and boys are always trouble, aren't they?). Long story short: Jazz and Kelli were dating some giant cuntwads who couldn't keep it in their pants. Can you please explain to me how we live in a world where a dude, any dude, would cheat on either of those stunners? These women are 12s out of 10, ya know? I really don't get it. 

So, seeing my besties hurting was a gut-punch--especially when I'm so helpless to stop the male population from whipping their dicks out at every passable specimen that walks by--but I was happy to bask in their company, and tried my damnedest to remind them just how exquisite they all truly are.

My ritualistic visit to Zunzi's for a Fisherman's Deck and plenty of take-home sauce, some much-needed retail therapy, and a lazy day at the park with some thought-provoking questions, and I was headed back home. It was a whirl-wind of a trip.

And that brings us up to current times, I suppose. I've had a lot of creative energy lately, and I'm excited for you to see what I've been working on. There is just something about graphic design and typography and hand-written type that has really taken a hold of me lately and I'm not entirely sure why. It didn't help that my friend, Sara, asked me to create some chalkboards for her sister's wedding this weekend:

Sara loved being Matron of Awesome. And I loved working on these boards. 

Oh, did I mention that Elvis and I are officially "dating" now? Yeah, we'll leave that juicy post for next week. Same bat time, same bat place. 

Your Saturday Dose of Art: Kyle Thompson

I've been majorly slacking on my Saturday dose of art posts. Straight. Up. RUDE.

So, let's jump back into some beauty, shall we? Let me gush over Kyle Thompson for a minute. Or hours. Or days. Months? Okay. I could talk about him endlessly.

I can't stop! This Chicago-based photographer has captured my heart and there's not going back. His most notable works are these self-portraits, and they make my heart fill up so wholly with happiness that I could puke.

Yes, Pon. Exactly. You have accurately described my love for KT's imagery. He has a near perfect mix of concept and technical ability, dark and light, raw emotion and thought. Sometimes I wish I could come up with a word stronger than beautiful. I need to create one. Even though it's not mine, all I've got right now is scrumtrulescent. 

Yeah. That feels right.

Happy Trees

I'm hoping that everyone that I know has forgotten that I have this blog. Because shit is about to get real, yo. For realz realz realz.

First of all, let's talk about this PostSecret that I saw during a recent stroll through Sunday's secrets:

I feel like I am perpetually going through phases of my life where certain music or visuals fit that specific time, and this embodies how I feel at this particular period of time in my life. I have never felt simultaneously so free and so terrified, so unsure and so confident in my whole life. I feel like I have completely gone off the grid for whatever I assumed my life-plan would be. I'm in unfamiliar territory and it's so strange and scary and wonderful. My life feels like a blank page. And there is nothing more beautiful in the whole world than a blank page.

Second of all, let's talk about boys. As supes real as I would love to actually be, I have to keep myself to myself just a little bit in this regard. I managed to get myself into quite a bit of trouble lately with posting things on the interwebs that have been offensive to or misconstrued by others. But, I'm going to do my best.

I've started dating lately. Quite a bit, actually. I jumped head-first into the world of online courtship and it has been a fascinating study on human interaction and expectations. People are so interesting. So much so, apparently, that I drunkenly decided that this needed to be written loud and proud in my sketchbook:

So, let me tell you about this dazzling soul that I have sort of been seeing on the regz. His name is Elvis. Can I hit you with some of Elvis' highlights? Cause I'm going to:

-The very first time I met Elvis, he gave me a National Geographic Encyclopedia on Space to check out and Croatian dark chocolate. He is the first guy that I've been out with that brought me something on the first date.

-On the night that I first met him, we went back to my house to hang out. He sat close to me on my sofa. He was fidgeting. I could tell me wanted to make a move, but I wasn't going to help him out (I absolutely love that insanely awkward period of time right before a first kiss!). As I was slouched down on my sofa, pretending to be engaged in whatever television program happened to be on--but secretly enjoying watching him squirm--he suddenly said, "Hey. I like you. Wanna make out?" 

-He's an excellent maker-outer.

-Elvis is originally from Croatia. He speaks Croatian and German. He had a deep, soothing, sultry, crooner kind of voice that makes me melt.

-He is a vegetarian and he cooks. On our second meeting, he made me split-pea soup because I was sick. It was divine; mostly because it was delicious, but also because it was so thoughtful my heart almost exploded.

-One of the nights that we hung out, we walked the Atlanta BeltLine near my house. There is a playground along the way that we stopped by to swing and play and talk. I asked him about all of his past relationships and he divulged everything I wanted to know. He is bisexual and dated a dude in high school. I don't know why, but I find that unusually intriguing and bewilderingly sexy.

-We talk about art and music and life and philosophy and thought and the human experience. Sometimes we spread out in my living room and draw.

-He has a near perfect balance of sweetness and vulgarity. He says things like, "Your kisses are intoxicating." He also says things like, "The only thing I'm ambidextrous at is jacking off."

-Let's just say we have...ahem...sublime chemistry.

-When I talk about things I want to do in the future, he uses "we" terms. "Between the two of us, we could make that happen," or "We should do that." That makes me smile.

Elvis has a whole lot to offer. There is much that I like about him. But, like most things, there are cons. He is five years younger than me. Sometimes I catch glimpses of just how much of a difference there is in our maturity levels and it's disconcerting. He is also job-less, car-less, money-less, and lives at home with his mother. This is a huge complication, as well as being kind of a turn off. There is only so much you can do for free, and I hate spending so much in gas to go get him and take him home all of the time. I'd like to be taken out every now and again, ya know? 

So, that's where I am with that. How much does attraction count? How long should I stick it out, hoping things will change? What if you truly like someone's personality and most things about them, but their social circumstance puts them at a position where it just might not work? I don't know the answers to these things. 

ANNNNDDDD...We're Back!

Wow. It's been a while, yes? I think I had a little bit of a quarter-life crisis on my hands: wretched job that was draining every ounce of joy out of my life, inconsistent schedule, poor eating/exercise habits, absence of creativity, lack of passion.

That last one has absolutely been the biggest obstacle for me to overcome (and one that I am still continuing to struggle with). Where'd my passion go? Does it stem from an absence of inspiration? Am I lacking something internally? Can I get it back? What if I can't? It's stressful, because I don't know the answer to any of these questions! However, things do seem to be on the up and up, and maybe that's why I'm feeling hopeful again. Feeling those little creative sparks. Making plans to do and make and enjoy.


I found this image recently and, to me, it says it all:

And I don't mean that in an "intentionally emo, woe-is-me" kind of way, it's just that it's so completely true. I am so small and unimportant in the grand scheme of things, so what's the point really?


I don't claim to have it all figured out -- far from it, in fact -- but let me tell you what I've learned from this little period of blah-ness:


It's okay to put it away for a while. I think maybe it's okay to set aside what you've been passionate about in the past. As a photographer, this has been the biggest passion that I've struggled with. I know that I love photography, but I know that my heart isn't in it right now. My attitude towards art in general lately has been, "Meh. What's the point?" I worry [constantly] about this. But, I do think that being able to set it aside for a while has helped. Maybe the old adage, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," has some merit after all.


It's okay not to know right now. And it's okay to start vague. I don't know exactly where my passion lies, or where it is going to take me, or if I'm capable of re-investing in past passions. I simply can't predict those sorts of things! But what I can do is focus on what makes me happiest: Making beautiful things. Cooking and baking. Simplicity. And above all, making other people happy. I love to do unexpected things for others. Really paying attention to what someone needs or wants without them having to ask. Sometimes the tiniest gestures have the most impact, and I love being able to provide that. I love to make people smile.


Surround yourself with creative individuals. This has been the most important aspect of changing things around for me. I get so excited by other peoples' passion and creativity that I can't help but want to do...something! Anything! Who cares if it's stupid or pointless? It could be the first step towards something really phenomenal. You never know! 


You have to make passion a priority. I'm still working on this one, but I know it to be true. It's hard, but you have to do it! Find what you love and spend time with it. Develop it. It's the only way to not only understand where your passion truly lies, but also to envision where you want that passion to take you. For me, the only thing that I have been consistently passionate about throughout has been food. I spend countless hours on the website Tastespotting.com. Whenever I'm in a bad mood, or bored, or lonely, I look at recipes. A day off? I cook. I bake. Food is the only thing that I can definitively, 100% and without-a-doubt tell you that I love. That's gotta mean something, right? And I feel like if I work at developing that love, it'll take me places. I don't know where yet, but love will always take you where you wanna go.

Teenage Angst

I feel like I'm of high school age again; feeling all of the same stupid teenage angst and annoyance and frustration that came with that era of my life. I don't know what to do about it. It stems from loneliness, of that I'm sure. And not that, "I wish my friends hung out with me more," kind of loneliness. It's something deeper. It's an aching inside. A longing for something. Or someone. 


Is it a longing for anyone? Or a longing for a certain someone? Or both? I don't know. All I do know is that I can't cure this. I can't fix me.